FAQ For Your Wiki

Driving in Japan suuuuuucks dude.....

When you arrive in Japan, you'll be astounded by how markedly polite the Japanese are in almost every station of life. That is, until you've lived here for a couple of years, decide you're sick of riding your little pushbike to work every day and make the break to buy a car. *POW* As if by some magic all those polite and cuddly folk you encountered before suddenly vanish in a puff and are replaced by screaming death dealing tarmac-hogging maniacs with zero regard for your safety. One day I purposefully counted how many hazards I come across on my way to work by scooter, and it was like, 12 voilations of public safety in under 30 minutes.

We can categorise them up by what kind of a prick they are:

The Aggressive Prick:

You have to be a good driver in Japan. Not because of you, because of them. Mostly young guys, bikers, or dudes in fancy cars. They've seen the anime Akira and mimick it by trying to squeeze their way through the 1 meter gap between you and another car at 70km on the expressway. These guys are idiots.

The Impatient Prick:

The traffic-lights are not even green yet and these guys are already shooting over the line. Go to rotten.com and you'll see some revolting pics of what happens to these guys when they're a little too eager and end up getting splattered on some grandads bonnet. The impatient prick category also consists of selfish, inconsiderate twats who block huge lines of traffic while they wait to turn into their destination on the other side of the road. Kill 'em at birth.

The I'm-Bigger-Than-You-So-I-Can-Eat-You Prick:

The bigger the car, the bigger the ego. Truck drivers in particular. God forbid you ever find yourself on a single-lane in front of one of these crazy maniacs. They will sound the horn and I swear if you don't hit pedal-to-the-metal quick, they'll run you over. And I wish that was just a joke, but unfortunately there's plenty of evidence on the net of these guys literally running down slow drivers. Scary nutjobs, what do these guys do in their time off? Strangle cats?

The Rest:

Taxi drivers in particular are serious hazards to the casual driver/motorcyclist. These guys don't give a shit what happens to others as long as they get their fare. In some ways the aggression is understandable- it's a competitive business with so many taxis on the road if the guy passes a he'll never get a second chance to grab that customer before someone behind him does. You just can't win whatever lane you choose, even in the slow lanes you're in danger because of these scum. Someone once told me don't even crash into a taxi in Japan, because they have a secret rule never to admit liability in any accident. They'll lie through their teeth to the insurance companies and you'll they'll despute even a 50/50 claim. As you can tell, I clearly hate Japanese taxi drivers and never give tips even when I need a ride myself. When I die I hope heaven is a fictional game where I get to run around Tokyo GTA style in a tank with infinite missiles that home in on those little yellow bastards.

Unloading lorries: Yeah I know it's a necessity but haven't these people ever heard of side-roads? They literally kill off an entire lane with the practice of parking on the side of the road. Flip the hazards on, and suddenly it's okay for people to park illegally and block off major junctions and expressways, great. Blissfully ignorant and uncaring that it's a pain in the ass for every other driver on the road to have to navigate around them. It's ILLEGAL, asshole! How many near brushes have I had with my mortality trying to swerve round these SOB's I cannot count.

Oh and if you're wondering where the police are when all this is happening, check out The Japanese Police section.

OK. Here's a list for Japanese people; How Not To Piss Me Off on The Road.

1.Stop frickin' nudging your car out so damn far when coming onto the main street. And when you do join us, don't bloody swerve your vehicle out so far it's practically obscuring the middle lane and we've all got to slam the brakes. Moron.

2.Don't fucking beep me if the light has been on red for like, 5 seconds but you still want me to hop over it. I'm not making a major debut on the next YouTube Great Road Accidents vid just to remedy your impatience.

3. If you're on a bicycle STAY OFF THE GODDAMN ROADS. Or if you can't do that, stay on the shoulder- don't come even further out into the lane to get around a parked car, use the sidewalk. You're a damn obstacle cockface!!!

4.Can't find a job so you're thinking of becoming a cabbie? Don't.

5.Stop driving so slow in the fast lane, you're a pain in the ass.

As for general information regarding driving in Japan for leisure, as far as I know Hokkaido is definitely the place. There are very few toll expressways, and the roads are wide and welcoming, with few speed traps for those of you who like breaking your own personal speed records. I'm not saying I condone breaking the speed limit, but what the hell, in Hokkaido you can find yourself the only car on the road for miles.

Kyushu sucks. Narrow roads that go on forever, only good for those on bikes. Very beautiful scenery though.

Low-paid/High-paid jobs in Japan that might suprise you.

Bad $$:- Police force, Firemen, Doctor (relatively)

Good $$:- Nurse.

(Feel free to add to this!)

Bidets/Washlets

To quote from Wikipedia;-

"Depending on the exact model, these bidets are designed to open the lid when they sense a user nearby, wash the anus or vulva of the user (including a number of pulsating and massaging functions), dry afterwards with warm air, flush automatically and close the lid after use."

Ahhh....it takes a very heterosexual man to admit, but I'm really quite fond of a quick squirt on the old rusty muffler after taking a number 2. You can try going through half a loo roll and 20 minutes trying to wipe your bum clean on every visit(which may be more often that you think as if you're like myself and many other foreigners you know, diarrhea and Japan go hand in hand), or you can have a machine take care of it for you in a splash (pardon the pun). You might as save time and pride and well simply resign yourself to the candidly tittilating pleasure of undergoing such a process, and reserve admittance of said fact to your friends for one of those hardcore drinking binges- to be said somewhere between "I love you man" and "Dude, I shagged your girlfriend". Don't fight it man, join the dark side!

The Japanese Police

Two words- Demolition Man. Who remembers the scene where Rob Schneider says "We're police officers!We're not trained to handle violence!"- yeah? well it's like, welcome to Japan dudes! I'm not saying cops are useless over here, no, they're far worse than that. Prepare to live in a country where you get hit by a cab and then get blamed for it because you're the foreigner so obviously it must be your fault. Okay in all seriousness you can expect that cops will handle traffic tickets well and such, but in sitution of consequence the police are often about as handy as a split condom in Thailand. I've seen situations first-hand where two guys were scrapping on the street, the cops came, one guy starts choking the cop to death and the other one stood there for 5 minutes trying to vocally persuade the attacker to loosen his grip. And this is downtown big city we're talking about- not the boonies. So, all I'm saying is being more proactive in looking after yourself while you're here because you can bet your backside the cops won't break a leg trying to come to your aid in any rough circumstance. Police officers fit into the public officer pay bracket which means basically they don't make a hell of a lot of money. There's no crackhead drug-dealers with submachine guns here so why would they? Saying that, they do get a very reasonable pension should they stay employed that long, so the mantra that must cops whisper in their beds at night is "Grow old and dont rock the boat".

I have a theory as to why there's little crime in Japan. It's simple, if you break the law, you will spend SO much time in the police-station filling out paperwork and giving statements that you will be traumatised for life and forever stay away from all criminal activities. I personally got busted in 2002 for driving with an expired International License (how was I supposed to know they're only good for one year?) and wow, I went through hell with all the BS that goes into just taking a simple goddamn statement. We're talking complete total hours eight hours of time spent sitting in a chair asking some of the most pointless questions I've ever heard.. Forgivable if I'd just gone and stabbed some old tramp, but I'm not Tony Montana here. Literally had to recount my entire life in that chair, got quite emotional at times bringing back those old memories- think I brought a tear or two to that old cops eyes.

I'm not saying it's all negative, I mean they are still polite Japanese people behind the uniforms so should you get into a spot of trouble on the wrong side of the law yourself, like hmmm say, skipping a red-light or two at the crack of dawn er..not saying I have, but should YOU, then at least they'll not treat you like a scumbag turd for it.

Japan; Culinary Paradise Lost ..

Japan is a country of many sneaky secrets, and if you live in Japan long enough, you might start to hear a few stories about this and that, a VIP bar here, an exclusive restaurant there, and if you live here even longer, learn the language by not knocking about with foreigners all the time, you might even be lucky enough to get in to a few.

If you thought that the best sake/sushi/ramen in Japan are located somewhere in the middle of the priciest districts of Tokyo, you might be right to some extent, but almost certainly those places can be bettered by their more discreet counterparts scattered around sporadically outside of the capital...usually these places are open to none but those lucky few who happen to be connected to the right network of people.

It's not that these places are particularly expensive - though most are - but they are highly exclusive, with no need to advertise- catering usually only to VIP customers who in high-profile occupations introduced by word-of-mouth only.

The owners are simply said, masters of their craft. Workers usually come from Japans most ritzy bars and restaurants. They are the real-life aristocrats of the culinary world or cocktail-makers of the highest pedigree. Their worth, charge their worth, and the charge reflects their experience and the quality of the available products.

As an example, it is said that the best fugu available in all Japan is located in a hidden spot in northern Kyushu; the cost for a single-person course running at around 40,000yen. Phew!

J-Drama. Not exactly RADA Certified..

Having evaluated this train of thought time after time I came to the above conclusion. Way back when, I was something of a gaijin 'otaku' like the Wapanese dorks on YouTube, and was convinced Japanese drama was awesome. I was too wrapped up in my fledling love of all things Japanese, and couldn't see clearly the poop before my eyes. Of course, after having lived in Japan for a long time now, it's pretty obvious that Western shows have a lot more depth, better written characters & plot, superb acting, and are generally what you'd look forward to watching when you come home from work.

The problem with J-Drama is that it's too much like anime. All the characters are two dimensional and the story is usually predictable through and through. There's no such thing as suspension of belief in a Japanese drama- it is sheer fantasy. Skinny kids in their twenties with transvestite haircuts kicking the shit out of a gang of big guys with guns. If that's your thing, fine. But speaking for most adults I think it's a pain in the ass to have your weekday TV ruined by such ludicrousness. To make matters worse, anybody who's a celebrity can appear in these things, so it's hardly a breeding ground for A class acting. You might like Jordans tits but you probably wouldn't want her in an EastEnders lead role.

And it's not as if a certain section of Japanese people can't act- just look at Watanabe Ken, Takeshi Kitano and Hiroyuki Sanada, not to mention the lesser known yet equally brilliant Kuroudo Maki, forging their way into Hollywood. Seems like a waste not to exploit the talent in your own backyard, but that's what is happening.

Fortune-Telling has replaced Religion in Japan

I'm convinced this is the case. There's simply no other country in the world where so much faith is put into this kind of hocus-pocus.

I've known people that have avoided going on a date with a cute guy because their fortune teller told them that it was a bad idea that weekend. Others have been informed by their horoscopes that their current poor state of life will drastically improve within the next month and they're positively buzzing, their eyes alight with enthusiasm as they tell me that their stars are aligning next Saturday, meaning impulse buying is a go-go. It's insane over here, worse than anything you'd ever imagined. The Lady of Tenjin, as they call the old bag that hoodwinks the daft young ladies down my town has them lined up by the dozen every Saturday night.

Why?Why?Why? What is it that makes fortune-telling such a boom industry over here?

I'll tell you my theories, young padawan. Because humans need direction that's why. Direction in any form. In the West we have Christianity, and in the East Shinto Buddhism. But Buddism is the most open-box religion there is. You're not going to burn if you don't fast on Ramadan, or have gay sex. There are hardly any strict guidelines- just a body of teaching that kind of well, leaves you to it. Every human needs something in your face to believe in. Even Atheists who scoff at God have a solid belief in Science, the religion that says "Everything can be explained, eventually", a faith that the 'answer' is there, and what's more it's perfectly explainable- we just haven't worked out the world enough to comprehend it yet.

No one wants to face the most likely fact that when you die, there's probably nothing and nowhere that exists for you anymore.

But a fortune told by an old crone on the street, now that's something you can grasp. "Wow, I'll be married before I'm 26 if I only date guys wearing red sweaters when I meet them, yeah that makes sense!" It's not religion, but it works. Odd thing is though, it usually only applies to chicks.

Hmm, bad theory?

When a Japanese person says "You got fat", it's a compliment.

This goes back to WWII according to an old wise Japanese dude I know. Before the war Japan wasn't the richest nation in the world, but during the war poverty and starvation were certainly order of the day. So by the time Hirohito had announced the surrender the Japanese had barely anything left to eat but a few chopsticks and probably some bird food. So when crops started growing again and people could fill their stomachs at last, the words "You've gotten fat haven't you?" were an enormous compliment, meaning "You're looking healthy now". And they have remained in the Japanese lexicon since. So next time a Japanese taps you on the stomach and calls you a fat bastard, be sure to thank him profoundly.

Bus Drivers in Japan

talk with odd voices, your casual visitor will observe. The reason they do it is purposely done in order for you to hear them clearly over regular passengers voices and the sound of passing traffic.

Did you know?

You can usually tell how rich Japanese people are by the size of their dogs? Japanese people don't have nice fat houses in the suburbs with beautiful gardens for Rover to roll around in, but for the most part small 2LDK apartments. Therefore harbouring space to have anything bigger than a pug or a chihahua is pretty much out of the question for all but the most ardent big mutt-lovers.

So:

big dog/s=big house=rich Japanese person. Or possibly a homeless bum.

The Japanese Ground Self-Defense Force

There probably isn't a hell of a lot I could tell you about the Jieittai that would shock. It's a light defensive force. They practice a defensive martial hybrid of Chinese Kenpo and Aikido which features little or no striking methods and is disabling the opponent rather than outright killing. Generally they will wait for the opponent to strike first and then counter-attack, with the emphasis being put on covering the eyes of the opponent throughout as to confuse and allow time for distancing.

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